My Hammam

I was lying on the marble floor, stomach down, and he was scrubbing my back like Iron Chef zesting a lemon. My glasses were off, and, what with the blankets of steam, I was living the French colonial Impressionist's fantasy. I could, however, make out the details of my arms and hands, so, when The Grater showed me the human zest that had accumulated on my right shoulder, I knew I had gotten my seven dollar's worth.

Hammam Nouredeen sits between Sharia Medhat Pasha and Souq al Hammideyeh. It's an old Damascene house with a large courtyard and a fountain in the center with a dome high above. I exchanged my wallet and cellphone for a bar of soap, a sponge, and a bracelet with a key and proceeded forward.

1. Remove shoes and place in locker. Step up into lounge area through clouds of Gauloise smoke.
2. Receive blue and white striped wrap from The Toweler in the Lounge. Remove shirt. Tie cloth around waist. Drop pants, underwear. (Be sure to keep wrap high above your belly button to simplify dropping process.)
3. Pretend you are at ease. Lean back. Place hand on thigh.
4. Insert feet into Barbie-sized wooden clogs. Stumble forward into Home Base.
5. Enter steam room. Stew. Light shooting through tiny speckles of window in dome above.
6. Find bowl in sink, and douse body with water. Note: sinks do not have drains. Water may not be fresh.
7. Apply soap.
8. Rinse body with water. Avoid splashing others who may be sitting on the ground behind you.
9. Return to Home Base. Umpire to give you bracelet with yellow chip. This is your pass to the Soap Room: do not lose it!
10. Sit patiently in Soap Room while The Soaper soaps others. He is full of two hundred and fifty pounds of love.
11. Lie down on plastic hospital bed. Caution: slippery when wet. Close eyes so as to avoid burning.
12. Relax as The Soaper lathers your body, slathering and karate chopping rhythmically. You are a bongo and a fish. When he hits the bed, flip over. Immediately. He is in a hurry.
13. Return to Home Base. Note: you are covered in lather. You are slippery. Avoid opening eyes and leaning against support surfaces.
14. Umpire to give you bracelet with green chip. This is your pass to the Grating Room.
15. Enter Grating Room and collapse onto floor. Note: The Grater will NOT move from his seat. Follow his commands: slide up and down, shift right to left, give him your arms, repeat as needed.
16. Keep mouth closed as The Grater rinses the zest and soap off your body. Remember, the water may not be fresh!
17. Return to Home Base and shower. When you exit the shower, Umpire will replace the soaked towel around your waist with a dry one. In a flash. Marvel at his sleight of hand.
18. Place feet in clogs and return to the Lounge. The Toweler in the Lounge will once again unwrap and wrap you. He will also drape towel over shoulders and tie blue towel around head, cutting off all circulation.
19. If you are Arab, light a Gitane as you sit down.
20. Put on clothing and exit the factory.

Estimated cooking time: 2 hours